So, as reported earlier, the Memorial Day Cookout at Casa McCrazy was canceled due to a horrible bitchtastic case of the snitch. As it do. Mr. Mac and I were actually resolved to the idea of a quiet day alone, at home, with nothing but the sexin' and The Boondocks DVD to keep us content. And then, we woke up and remembered that as cool (hot?) as the sexin' and The Boondocks are, food, alcohol and human interaction outside of ourselves is pretty damn high on the McCrazy hierarchy of needs. So, we did what any smart couple would do: we called someone else and told them that they needed to have a cookout.
Enter Randal 'Don't Call Me Randy' stage right. He is always down for people to come to the scene (except when he is all emo-angsty) and actually throws a pretty good shin-dig. And if nothing else, it will predictably give me a good story to blog about the next day.
Oh, Randy. You have yet to fail me, my man.
So, Mr. Mac and I get over to the bachelor pad {grossly now known as the House of Gettin' Butt (THOGB)} to find Randy, Kuntry (a McCrazy Favorite, btw), and some chick I have never seen before that bears a strong resemblance to a relative of mine. I was a touch disappointed because I didn't know this chick, whom will forever more be known as Celly-Felita because she is the manager at the cell phone spot where Randy works. Sidenote: I can never see myself partying with Skippy, my boss. So, anyways, Celly seems cool, but of course she is engaging in conversation with Randy, Kuntry and Mr. Mac, because she knows them and not me. So, I sit on the couch gingerly (because I am unconvinced that the couch has gone getting-butt-free ew!!) and continue watching the Top Model marathon that I had begun watching at home while Mr. Mac engaged in his cleansing routine (he showers forever, ya'll. And seriously, how much baby oil is needed in a 2-person household? But, he is very well moisturized and I love him for it. No scratchy soles rubbing against my legs at night, no sir). So, I sit, watch, and text one of my bitches. Because your bitches make the world a better place, even as you sit lonely and hungry in THOGB.
To my happiness, just as the battery died on my cell phone, the door opened and in came Kuntry Ashley. I have never been so happy to see a white chick (that wasn't Snow White, of course) in an all-black situation in my life. That girl is cool with me, ya'll. Cool with me.
So, K-Ash and I chilled, switched channels to VH1 and watched some Charm School when almost 45 minutes to an hour after Mr. mac and I had arrived, the bedroom door opens and out comes COS (remember the Chick-Of-The Season?). I looked at K-Ash like WTF, where this bitch been and how rude of her to not show her face until now, but whatever. COS, who admittedly has lasted waaay longer than I had hoped or anticipated, flops down on the loveseat like she bought it and being the good person/wife/friend that I am, attempt to include her in the conversation between K-Ash and myself.
COS is kind of a drag, very negative and somewhat humorless, but I try to forgive her for all of her faults and say to myself, ok, she must have something cool/good about her because Randy keeps her around. Right? Right?
Sidenote: I am SHOCKED, SHOCKED by Kuntry to find out that COS works WITH One L Randy and Celly because COS acts as if she has never met Celly, let alone works FOR her. I mean, seriously, COS didn't hardly say 2 words to her, but she did bitchface a whole lot to Celly. WTF is THAT about?
This is getting lengthy and I am actually quite bored talking about COS anyway, but let's just say, Mr. Mac and I BANTER (thanks for stealing my word, Kobe Bryant, you dick) in good fun about him not fixing me a burger, but placing one on the counter sans napkin and plate. Randy says some shit about "making your own plate", Mr. Mac and I get witty, but turns OUT, Randy wasn't even talking to us. Next thing I know COS does her now known for 'stomp, stomp, stomp, grab purse, slam door routine' and Randy does a sigh and goes after her.
Like, seriously? Again? Bitchcrazy.
The details are a bit fuzzy as to what had happened was, but Mr. Mac opens the door and we hear high pitched screaming and yelling as COS takes the no support/respect/sympathy I had for her anyway and shits on it. Because really, the shit is just rude (but makes for a hellavu story in the re-telling!). Blah, blah, blah (or to reference Seinfeld, "yadda, yadda, yadda"), scream scream, scream, come back inside, look like a dumb bitch as you make yourself a plate when you return. Because in my experience, no one can make themselves look as much like a dumb bitch better than you can, COS. How I love you, girl. Oh, COS, please don't ever learn.
Mr. Mac says, in her defense, that when he went outside, COS was making some good points to Randy. In my head, it really doesn't matter much because on the outside looking in, this is my impression of COS (not all are bad, mind you):
1. She is want to tantrums when she doesn't get her way (slamming doors? really? I am all for being an attention-whore, but baby there are other ways to do it. Get origal next time. Spice it up, please. If only for my enjoyment).
2. She doesn't respect her man (why else would she act a donkey in his house when his friends are over?).
3. She doesn't care what other people think of her (why else would she act a donkey in an atmosphere where everyone present is on the other person's home team? Trick, we don't even know your last name).
4. She likes drama (please don't ever change!).
5. She is insecure (I get the feeling she doesn't dig other females too tough).
6. She gives fire brain (and all that other sexy stuff to go along with it!).
7. She doesn't have a sense of humor (or maybe she does?? Maybe she acts a fool for me, in which case, I love you even more, COS).
Randy has to like 4 out of 7 of the qualities mentioned above, otherwise she wouldn't still be around. And if I am honest with myself and you, I will state that I like several of her qualities myself. I LOVE her drama. And since *I* can't bring the drama (because Mr. Mac is a crazy mofo, he would be able to outshine me, so I will NEVER try any bullshit for him to make ME look stupid in public -- unlike COS, I DO care what peeps think of me), am all for watching it play out.
My thoughts:
I think Randy needs to keep her around a while longer. And not just for the fire brain. The drama is something we all can enjoy. COS, I love your batshitcrazy antics.
COS - N - Randy 4EVA!
