Mr. Mac just called me to say that he was in the electronics section at Wal-Mart and they were playing the song I used to rap when I got intoxicated.Well, the Ice Cube verse. Because Ice Cube is the shiznit.
It's actually pretty funny to hear me rap this song. I am admittedly about as un-gangsta as they come. Crazy, yes. Gangsta, no. Of course, my brother, G, is a real-life rapper. It doesn't run in our family or anything; I have this Minnie Mouse/Mike Tyson/Michele' (remember her?) voice going on and don't know much about the rapper lifestyle except for knowing that I don't live it. Imagine Minnie Mouse rapping the Ice Cube verse at the end of this song. Yeah, no.
I cannot believe that they were playing this song at Wal-Mart - it was uncensored, too, I know because I made Mr. Mac shut up so that I could hear my verse. Wal-Mart is so 'hood. Especially around here. The last time I went to Wal-Mart, I made it all the way to the checkout line, got pissed because the line didn't move after 20 minutes and just walked out of the store (sorry to the re-stock employees). They never fecking have any lanes open! Seriously, why have 50 checkout registers/lanes/whatever and 2 cashiers? And what is the point of the self-checkout if you aren't going to let people use them? HATE!
In other news, I had dinner with Snow White and Prince Erik last night, which happens pretty much every Wednesday night. David is probably reading this now going, W(why)TF is this Jaz's code name for me? Well, it's simple, Davey. It's because Snow White is a Disney Princess and if she is going to be in a committed relationship with someone, it has to be a Prince. And out of all of the Disney Princes, I felt like Prince Erik was the best looking (and according to THIS POLL, I am not the only one). I loved me some Aladdin, but I thought it would be kind of weird to name you Aladdin considering the whole Jas(z)mine thing going on. Right? So, that left me with Charming, Beast, Hercules, Li Shang, The Prince (Snow White's official man), Phillip, John Smith and Tarzan.
So, let's go through my thought process here. Aladdin was nixed automatically. I didn't want you to be Beast because even after he transformed, he seemed sort of gross to me still (I always liked Gaston for Belle anyway - he was big and stupid though, but considering she had intense conversations with a tea pot and a candle-abra, who is she to judge?), Charming never said anything of importance that I could remember, The Prince allowed Snow White to be a dwarf-hoe, John Smith didn't end up with Pocahontas in the end anyway, and I never really got into Hercules or Tarzan. Did they even have princesses? Li Shang was actually a front runner just because I thought it would be EXTREMELY hilarious to give you that name, but in the end, the red hair influenced the decision (Ariel was a red-head 'memba?).
And so, that is how you came to be Prince Erik.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Mexican is NOT a Language
I don't think I really know any Mexicans. Sure, I have seen them before, but I don't really know any.
Which makes me wonder, in a city so "allegedly" overrun with the ever-growing Hispanic population, why don't Mac and I have any Mexi-pals? Does it count that when I called Amigo's Mexican Grille (shout out to them for always making my order exactly how I want it!) last night, after I placed my to-go order, the guy on the phone totally recognized my voice.
Manuel:Hey, do I know who this is?
Me:Yeah, it's me
Manuel: Man, I haven't talked to you forever -- they've had me over at the other location. It's been like 3 months, I wondered if you were still coming.
Me: Well, I'm glad you are back. I gave up you guys for Lent, so I just started back a few weeks ago. Who is the chick that has been answering lately?
Manuel: That's my cousin, she's kind of slow in the head, isn't she?
Me: Yeah, dude, when I call we go through the same shit every week where she acts like she doesn't understand what I'm saying so I finally have to tell her to just go to the back and tell them it's me -- they know what I want
Manuel: She's really stupid
Me: Well, I missed you guys. Tell your brother I said hey. How is your Dad?
Manuel: He's alright, just working us all the time... You on your way?
Me: Yeah.
Manuel: Just give me 8 minutes. Just park at the door.
You think I eat there too much?
We are going to let my relationship with the owner's son at Amigos Mexican Grille count.
In other, but somewhat related news, at the gym last night, Kandis and I were sitting on the window ledge with Edison when his phone rang. He answered in the middle of our conversation and started speaking in a foreign language to, most likely, his wife. Kandis says, "Is he speaking Mexican?" which is funny for several reasons:
1. the obvious: Mexican isn't a language
2. Kandis is an exceptionally intelligent person
3. Edison is Puerto Rican, not Mexican
4. I was delirious from that freaking hard as hell Body Attack class we had just taken (courtesy of Snow White Allison the Drill Sergeant from Hell, Les Mills, and Riviera Fitness of Homewood)
Skipping back --
Can I say that I LOVE the fact that my Mexi-pal called his cousin stupid and slow?
Which makes me wonder, in a city so "allegedly" overrun with the ever-growing Hispanic population, why don't Mac and I have any Mexi-pals? Does it count that when I called Amigo's Mexican Grille (shout out to them for always making my order exactly how I want it!) last night, after I placed my to-go order, the guy on the phone totally recognized my voice.
Manuel:Hey, do I know who this is?
Me:Yeah, it's me
Manuel: Man, I haven't talked to you forever -- they've had me over at the other location. It's been like 3 months, I wondered if you were still coming.
Me: Well, I'm glad you are back. I gave up you guys for Lent, so I just started back a few weeks ago. Who is the chick that has been answering lately?
Manuel: That's my cousin, she's kind of slow in the head, isn't she?
Me: Yeah, dude, when I call we go through the same shit every week where she acts like she doesn't understand what I'm saying so I finally have to tell her to just go to the back and tell them it's me -- they know what I want
Manuel: She's really stupid
Me: Well, I missed you guys. Tell your brother I said hey. How is your Dad?
Manuel: He's alright, just working us all the time... You on your way?
Me: Yeah.
Manuel: Just give me 8 minutes. Just park at the door.
You think I eat there too much?
We are going to let my relationship with the owner's son at Amigos Mexican Grille count.
In other, but somewhat related news, at the gym last night, Kandis and I were sitting on the window ledge with Edison when his phone rang. He answered in the middle of our conversation and started speaking in a foreign language to, most likely, his wife. Kandis says, "Is he speaking Mexican?" which is funny for several reasons:
1. the obvious: Mexican isn't a language
2. Kandis is an exceptionally intelligent person
3. Edison is Puerto Rican, not Mexican
4. I was delirious from that freaking hard as hell Body Attack class we had just taken (courtesy of Snow White Allison the Drill Sergeant from Hell, Les Mills, and Riviera Fitness of Homewood)
Skipping back --
Can I say that I LOVE the fact that my Mexi-pal called his cousin stupid and slow?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Quote of the Week
"Patron is not cheap and if I am sharing it with someone who didn’t put in on it then you damn well better keep that shit down and not throw it up all over the place."
-Ashley, on Branden's ho throwing up the Patron that she specifically asked her for a cup of.
-Ashley, on Branden's ho throwing up the Patron that she specifically asked her for a cup of.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Deja Vu is a Mutha Hater @ THOGB
So, as reported earlier, the Memorial Day Cookout at Casa McCrazy was canceled due to a horrible bitchtastic case of the snitch. As it do. Mr. Mac and I were actually resolved to the idea of a quiet day alone, at home, with nothing but the sexin' and The Boondocks DVD to keep us content. And then, we woke up and remembered that as cool (hot?) as the sexin' and The Boondocks are, food, alcohol and human interaction outside of ourselves is pretty damn high on the McCrazy hierarchy of needs. So, we did what any smart couple would do: we called someone else and told them that they needed to have a cookout.
Enter Randal 'Don't Call Me Randy' stage right. He is always down for people to come to the scene (except when he is all emo-angsty) and actually throws a pretty good shin-dig. And if nothing else, it will predictably give me a good story to blog about the next day.
Oh, Randy. You have yet to fail me, my man.
So, Mr. Mac and I get over to the bachelor pad {grossly now known as the House of Gettin' Butt (THOGB)} to find Randy, Kuntry (a McCrazy Favorite, btw), and some chick I have never seen before that bears a strong resemblance to a relative of mine. I was a touch disappointed because I didn't know this chick, whom will forever more be known as Celly-Felita because she is the manager at the cell phone spot where Randy works. Sidenote: I can never see myself partying with Skippy, my boss. So, anyways, Celly seems cool, but of course she is engaging in conversation with Randy, Kuntry and Mr. Mac, because she knows them and not me. So, I sit on the couch gingerly (because I am unconvinced that the couch has gone getting-butt-free ew!!) and continue watching the Top Model marathon that I had begun watching at home while Mr. Mac engaged in his cleansing routine (he showers forever, ya'll. And seriously, how much baby oil is needed in a 2-person household? But, he is very well moisturized and I love him for it. No scratchy soles rubbing against my legs at night, no sir). So, I sit, watch, and text one of my bitches. Because your bitches make the world a better place, even as you sit lonely and hungry in THOGB.
To my happiness, just as the battery died on my cell phone, the door opened and in came Kuntry Ashley. I have never been so happy to see a white chick (that wasn't Snow White, of course) in an all-black situation in my life. That girl is cool with me, ya'll. Cool with me.
So, K-Ash and I chilled, switched channels to VH1 and watched some Charm School when almost 45 minutes to an hour after Mr. mac and I had arrived, the bedroom door opens and out comes COS (remember the Chick-Of-The Season?). I looked at K-Ash like WTF, where this bitch been and how rude of her to not show her face until now, but whatever. COS, who admittedly has lasted waaay longer than I had hoped or anticipated, flops down on the loveseat like she bought it and being the good person/wife/friend that I am, attempt to include her in the conversation between K-Ash and myself.
COS is kind of a drag, very negative and somewhat humorless, but I try to forgive her for all of her faults and say to myself, ok, she must have something cool/good about her because Randy keeps her around. Right? Right?
Sidenote: I am SHOCKED, SHOCKED by Kuntry to find out that COS works WITH One L Randy and Celly because COS acts as if she has never met Celly, let alone works FOR her. I mean, seriously, COS didn't hardly say 2 words to her, but she did bitchface a whole lot to Celly. WTF is THAT about?
This is getting lengthy and I am actually quite bored talking about COS anyway, but let's just say, Mr. Mac and I BANTER (thanks for stealing my word, Kobe Bryant, you dick) in good fun about him not fixing me a burger, but placing one on the counter sans napkin and plate. Randy says some shit about "making your own plate", Mr. Mac and I get witty, but turns OUT, Randy wasn't even talking to us. Next thing I know COS does her now known for 'stomp, stomp, stomp, grab purse, slam door routine' and Randy does a sigh and goes after her.
Like, seriously? Again? Bitchcrazy.
The details are a bit fuzzy as to what had happened was, but Mr. Mac opens the door and we hear high pitched screaming and yelling as COS takes the no support/respect/sympathy I had for her anyway and shits on it. Because really, the shit is just rude (but makes for a hellavu story in the re-telling!). Blah, blah, blah (or to reference Seinfeld, "yadda, yadda, yadda"), scream scream, scream, come back inside, look like a dumb bitch as you make yourself a plate when you return. Because in my experience, no one can make themselves look as much like a dumb bitch better than you can, COS. How I love you, girl. Oh, COS, please don't ever learn.
Mr. Mac says, in her defense, that when he went outside, COS was making some good points to Randy. In my head, it really doesn't matter much because on the outside looking in, this is my impression of COS (not all are bad, mind you):
1. She is want to tantrums when she doesn't get her way (slamming doors? really? I am all for being an attention-whore, but baby there are other ways to do it. Get origal next time. Spice it up, please. If only for my enjoyment).
2. She doesn't respect her man (why else would she act a donkey in his house when his friends are over?).
3. She doesn't care what other people think of her (why else would she act a donkey in an atmosphere where everyone present is on the other person's home team? Trick, we don't even know your last name).
4. She likes drama (please don't ever change!).
5. She is insecure (I get the feeling she doesn't dig other females too tough).
6. She gives fire brain (and all that other sexy stuff to go along with it!).
7. She doesn't have a sense of humor (or maybe she does?? Maybe she acts a fool for me, in which case, I love you even more, COS).
Randy has to like 4 out of 7 of the qualities mentioned above, otherwise she wouldn't still be around. And if I am honest with myself and you, I will state that I like several of her qualities myself. I LOVE her drama. And since *I* can't bring the drama (because Mr. Mac is a crazy mofo, he would be able to outshine me, so I will NEVER try any bullshit for him to make ME look stupid in public -- unlike COS, I DO care what peeps think of me), am all for watching it play out.
My thoughts:
I think Randy needs to keep her around a while longer. And not just for the fire brain. The drama is something we all can enjoy. COS, I love your batshitcrazy antics.
COS - N - Randy 4EVA!
Enter Randal 'Don't Call Me Randy' stage right. He is always down for people to come to the scene (except when he is all emo-angsty) and actually throws a pretty good shin-dig. And if nothing else, it will predictably give me a good story to blog about the next day.
Oh, Randy. You have yet to fail me, my man.
So, Mr. Mac and I get over to the bachelor pad {grossly now known as the House of Gettin' Butt (THOGB)} to find Randy, Kuntry (a McCrazy Favorite, btw), and some chick I have never seen before that bears a strong resemblance to a relative of mine. I was a touch disappointed because I didn't know this chick, whom will forever more be known as Celly-Felita because she is the manager at the cell phone spot where Randy works. Sidenote: I can never see myself partying with Skippy, my boss. So, anyways, Celly seems cool, but of course she is engaging in conversation with Randy, Kuntry and Mr. Mac, because she knows them and not me. So, I sit on the couch gingerly (because I am unconvinced that the couch has gone getting-butt-free ew!!) and continue watching the Top Model marathon that I had begun watching at home while Mr. Mac engaged in his cleansing routine (he showers forever, ya'll. And seriously, how much baby oil is needed in a 2-person household? But, he is very well moisturized and I love him for it. No scratchy soles rubbing against my legs at night, no sir). So, I sit, watch, and text one of my bitches. Because your bitches make the world a better place, even as you sit lonely and hungry in THOGB.
To my happiness, just as the battery died on my cell phone, the door opened and in came Kuntry Ashley. I have never been so happy to see a white chick (that wasn't Snow White, of course) in an all-black situation in my life. That girl is cool with me, ya'll. Cool with me.
So, K-Ash and I chilled, switched channels to VH1 and watched some Charm School when almost 45 minutes to an hour after Mr. mac and I had arrived, the bedroom door opens and out comes COS (remember the Chick-Of-The Season?). I looked at K-Ash like WTF, where this bitch been and how rude of her to not show her face until now, but whatever. COS, who admittedly has lasted waaay longer than I had hoped or anticipated, flops down on the loveseat like she bought it and being the good person/wife/friend that I am, attempt to include her in the conversation between K-Ash and myself.
COS is kind of a drag, very negative and somewhat humorless, but I try to forgive her for all of her faults and say to myself, ok, she must have something cool/good about her because Randy keeps her around. Right? Right?
Sidenote: I am SHOCKED, SHOCKED by Kuntry to find out that COS works WITH One L Randy and Celly because COS acts as if she has never met Celly, let alone works FOR her. I mean, seriously, COS didn't hardly say 2 words to her, but she did bitchface a whole lot to Celly. WTF is THAT about?
This is getting lengthy and I am actually quite bored talking about COS anyway, but let's just say, Mr. Mac and I BANTER (thanks for stealing my word, Kobe Bryant, you dick) in good fun about him not fixing me a burger, but placing one on the counter sans napkin and plate. Randy says some shit about "making your own plate", Mr. Mac and I get witty, but turns OUT, Randy wasn't even talking to us. Next thing I know COS does her now known for 'stomp, stomp, stomp, grab purse, slam door routine' and Randy does a sigh and goes after her.
Like, seriously? Again? Bitchcrazy.
The details are a bit fuzzy as to what had happened was, but Mr. Mac opens the door and we hear high pitched screaming and yelling as COS takes the no support/respect/sympathy I had for her anyway and shits on it. Because really, the shit is just rude (but makes for a hellavu story in the re-telling!). Blah, blah, blah (or to reference Seinfeld, "yadda, yadda, yadda"), scream scream, scream, come back inside, look like a dumb bitch as you make yourself a plate when you return. Because in my experience, no one can make themselves look as much like a dumb bitch better than you can, COS. How I love you, girl. Oh, COS, please don't ever learn.
Mr. Mac says, in her defense, that when he went outside, COS was making some good points to Randy. In my head, it really doesn't matter much because on the outside looking in, this is my impression of COS (not all are bad, mind you):
1. She is want to tantrums when she doesn't get her way (slamming doors? really? I am all for being an attention-whore, but baby there are other ways to do it. Get origal next time. Spice it up, please. If only for my enjoyment).
2. She doesn't respect her man (why else would she act a donkey in his house when his friends are over?).
3. She doesn't care what other people think of her (why else would she act a donkey in an atmosphere where everyone present is on the other person's home team? Trick, we don't even know your last name).
4. She likes drama (please don't ever change!).
5. She is insecure (I get the feeling she doesn't dig other females too tough).
6. She gives fire brain (and all that other sexy stuff to go along with it!).
7. She doesn't have a sense of humor (or maybe she does?? Maybe she acts a fool for me, in which case, I love you even more, COS).
Randy has to like 4 out of 7 of the qualities mentioned above, otherwise she wouldn't still be around. And if I am honest with myself and you, I will state that I like several of her qualities myself. I LOVE her drama. And since *I* can't bring the drama (because Mr. Mac is a crazy mofo, he would be able to outshine me, so I will NEVER try any bullshit for him to make ME look stupid in public -- unlike COS, I DO care what peeps think of me), am all for watching it play out.
My thoughts:
I think Randy needs to keep her around a while longer. And not just for the fire brain. The drama is something we all can enjoy. COS, I love your batshitcrazy antics.
COS - N - Randy 4EVA!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Damn, Cromwell
The Tudors finale aired tonight. Yeah, so, this season wasn't all that hot, which I expected it to not. You can't come back after Anne Boleyn.
Season 3 in summary:
King Henry married Jane Seymour, whom I suspect he really did love, knocked her up, had relations with some skank named Ursula, who was married (or something) and also having lots of illicit relations with some dude that was in Henry's court that wore an eye-patch all season and reminded me of Captain Hook.
Charles Brandon, THAT SEXXXY sonofabitch, is angsting because he is a good guy inside, but Cromwell, who is like, Henry's Lord Privy Seal (don't ask me what THAT means, other than HBIC, is all, "You got to kill all the people who revolted because they are treasonous traitors!" and Charles Brandon is all, "I don't want to kill the kids!" and Charles's wife is all, "I'm pregnant, you can't be killing other folks' babies!" and Charles is all, "I do what my King tells me to do!" And Charles's wife gets all angry and sees him as not the seXXXy beast that he is, but a murderer. And she loses the baby.
Queen Jane really is a nice chick and all pleasant, but really, who wants that? Anne, we need you! Haunt the castle! Jane gets Henry to bring his daughters back to court, and so we have back in the good clotheswear: The Princess Mary (formerly known as The Lady Mary, Bastard Child of Henry and his brother's wife Katherine of Aragon who was demoted from Queen to Dowager Princess of Wales when her marriage to Henry was declared null and void) and The Princess Elizabeth (formerly just that bastard born of that adulterous, treasonous, badass bitch Anne Boleyn while she was married to the King). Jane is sweet and good and kind and pure and blond. So, the bitch must die. History demands it. So, after giving birth to the King's precious male heir, she bites the dust, Princess Mary by her side. And Henry has a breakdown and locks himself in with his Fool. I totally thought it was a dream for the whole episode, but turned out, he really was locked in with his Fool.
It was muy weird, yo.
So, Jane is dead, Henry is crazy, and the French King and the Emperor are getting all buddy-buddy. So, Cromwell is ready to bitchslap Henry, "Wake up mutha luva! We gots a country to run!" because he sees that his whole Reformation is taking a nosedive to hell real quick. Because deep down, Henry was down for Catholicism. The ONLY reason he wanted to break from the church was because he had the hot crotch for Anne Boleyn (and who could blame him?) and the Pope was like, "You are already married, dawg, you can't marry your hoe, too, you ain't Brigham Young!" I know, wrong period, but you get my drift... Back to the subject. Cromwell is all, "Shit! What we gonna do? I'm taking all the treasures from the abbeys and persecuting the clergymen who aren't heretics on the downlow, but I am getting resistance, I need to find another bitch like Anne that is for the Reformation to get over here quick before all my hard work goes to hell."
So, everyone is all like, Henry is happiest when he has got some chick around with her legs open. We gots to find him a wife! Cause he needs another son in case something happens to the one Jane died having this morning. And so, the search is on for wife #4. We get a couple prospects, most notable, the one that appeared to be of Spanish descent that was like, "HELLLS NAW, I ain't marrying THAT mutha luva, didn't he banish his first wife, behead his second wife, and the third one died? No thank you, I like living the good life. But, thanks for stopping by. Don't let the door hit ya." Now, that's what I am talking about! I love smart bitches. She could kick it with my crew.
So, then Cromwell brings up these bitches in Cleves and scares the shit out of Henry by saying he has to marry one of the Cleves chicks because The French King and the Emperor are in cahoots and want to frick him up. The story had a bunch of holes and Charles Brandon was like, "Bullspit!" but decided that this was a good way for Cromwell to get screwed for being the selfish SOB that he is, so he was like, yeah, ok, I will play along with this.
So, ambassadors are sent to Cleves and no one is allowed to see ol' girl's face (um, red flag flying high, geniuses) and the painter is instructed (by Cromwell) to make her prettier than she looks, so Henry is like, "She aiiiight" and agrees to the marriage. Well, papers are signed and Henry is all anxious and horny because recall that his last two wives were all sexy and pleasing to him, so he rides out to see this chick. His words, "I like her not" and called her a horse. Damn, Joss Stone (who played Anne of Cleves). You ain't THAT bad.
But the papers are signed and Henry, disgusted, has to marry Anne of Cleves. Well, Charles Brandon is all, "Hey, dawg, guess what, Cromwell lied, ain't nobody trying to get us!" and Henry is like, "I had to marry this ugly horse-hoe for no reason?! I'm the King!" and so, he is like, "Cromwell, I didn't have sex with that ugly hoe, I have standards, get this marriage annulled." And Cromwell promptly craps his pants because the reason he picked Cleves was because she was a Lutheran and he needed the support of the German folks to help strengthen the Reformation, which is sliding down that slippery slope faster than that slut Anne Boleyn (love!) trying to steal the thrown from Katherine of Aragon.
Guess what, Cromwell? Everyone hates you.
So the Privy Council turn against him and find "proof" that he is a treasonous, traitorous heretic and he is sentenced to death. Oh, but first, he has to write a letter stating that his marriage to Anne of Cleves is invalid due to a pre-contract she had to marry some other dude and to also cosign that Henry didn't have the sex with her. Because he ain't into sexing the animals. With that matter taken care of, dispatch a Lord over to Anne of Cleves, ask her if she is cool with calling herself the King's sister and staying in England forever. If she is down with it, give her some land and money. If she disputes, measure her neck. Lucky for her, she didn't dispute. And the King showed her favor.
In the meantime, the King's homies (including Charles Brandon) are like, listen, the King ain't had the sex is forever, we gots to make this happen and soon. So, Captain Hook is like, if I can't no NOTHING else, I can find some skanky bitches. And do. Enter Katherine Howard, to be later known as Wife #5. She is super young, like still a teen, blond, and slutty. Fit for a King!
Sidenote: Personally, I think the chick playing Katherine Howard is ugly as sin, her eyes are soooo far apart. I think she looks more horsey than Joss Stone, BUT, when I Google'd her I found that she and I share a birthday (she born many years after me, mind you), so she gets a leeeetle slack. But man. Neigh.
Hoe for the King? Check.
Cromwell fecked? Check.
Queen taken care of? Check.
But, man, Cromwell, we REALLY hate you, so we gots to do better than just kill you.
Hmm... I know!!!
Captain Hook loads up the executioner with all types of drugs and booze so he is pretty much incoherent when it comes time to chop off Cromwell's head. Now, normally, I turn away when they do the executions on The Tudors (even though all they usually show is blood spatter), but the way this dude had to drunkenly keep hacking at this dude was just ... something I couldn't turn from.
That mess was just so.. wrong.
I mean, DAMN.
And the crowd was all, "KILL HIM!" and "Shut UP!" and "Get it over with already!" when Cromwell was saying his final plea.
No one liked you, Cromwell. But your head rolling was not near as awesome as the Anne season. Eh...
If my memory serves me well, Horse-Head Howard will be losing her head next season. Is it Spring 2010 yet?
Season 3 in summary:
King Henry married Jane Seymour, whom I suspect he really did love, knocked her up, had relations with some skank named Ursula, who was married (or something) and also having lots of illicit relations with some dude that was in Henry's court that wore an eye-patch all season and reminded me of Captain Hook.
Charles Brandon, THAT SEXXXY sonofabitch, is angsting because he is a good guy inside, but Cromwell, who is like, Henry's Lord Privy Seal (don't ask me what THAT means, other than HBIC, is all, "You got to kill all the people who revolted because they are treasonous traitors!" and Charles Brandon is all, "I don't want to kill the kids!" and Charles's wife is all, "I'm pregnant, you can't be killing other folks' babies!" and Charles is all, "I do what my King tells me to do!" And Charles's wife gets all angry and sees him as not the seXXXy beast that he is, but a murderer. And she loses the baby.
Queen Jane really is a nice chick and all pleasant, but really, who wants that? Anne, we need you! Haunt the castle! Jane gets Henry to bring his daughters back to court, and so we have back in the good clotheswear: The Princess Mary (formerly known as The Lady Mary, Bastard Child of Henry and his brother's wife Katherine of Aragon who was demoted from Queen to Dowager Princess of Wales when her marriage to Henry was declared null and void) and The Princess Elizabeth (formerly just that bastard born of that adulterous, treasonous, badass bitch Anne Boleyn while she was married to the King). Jane is sweet and good and kind and pure and blond. So, the bitch must die. History demands it. So, after giving birth to the King's precious male heir, she bites the dust, Princess Mary by her side. And Henry has a breakdown and locks himself in with his Fool. I totally thought it was a dream for the whole episode, but turned out, he really was locked in with his Fool.
It was muy weird, yo.
So, Jane is dead, Henry is crazy, and the French King and the Emperor are getting all buddy-buddy. So, Cromwell is ready to bitchslap Henry, "Wake up mutha luva! We gots a country to run!" because he sees that his whole Reformation is taking a nosedive to hell real quick. Because deep down, Henry was down for Catholicism. The ONLY reason he wanted to break from the church was because he had the hot crotch for Anne Boleyn (and who could blame him?) and the Pope was like, "You are already married, dawg, you can't marry your hoe, too, you ain't Brigham Young!" I know, wrong period, but you get my drift... Back to the subject. Cromwell is all, "Shit! What we gonna do? I'm taking all the treasures from the abbeys and persecuting the clergymen who aren't heretics on the downlow, but I am getting resistance, I need to find another bitch like Anne that is for the Reformation to get over here quick before all my hard work goes to hell."
So, everyone is all like, Henry is happiest when he has got some chick around with her legs open. We gots to find him a wife! Cause he needs another son in case something happens to the one Jane died having this morning. And so, the search is on for wife #4. We get a couple prospects, most notable, the one that appeared to be of Spanish descent that was like, "HELLLS NAW, I ain't marrying THAT mutha luva, didn't he banish his first wife, behead his second wife, and the third one died? No thank you, I like living the good life. But, thanks for stopping by. Don't let the door hit ya." Now, that's what I am talking about! I love smart bitches. She could kick it with my crew.
So, then Cromwell brings up these bitches in Cleves and scares the shit out of Henry by saying he has to marry one of the Cleves chicks because The French King and the Emperor are in cahoots and want to frick him up. The story had a bunch of holes and Charles Brandon was like, "Bullspit!" but decided that this was a good way for Cromwell to get screwed for being the selfish SOB that he is, so he was like, yeah, ok, I will play along with this.
So, ambassadors are sent to Cleves and no one is allowed to see ol' girl's face (um, red flag flying high, geniuses) and the painter is instructed (by Cromwell) to make her prettier than she looks, so Henry is like, "She aiiiight" and agrees to the marriage. Well, papers are signed and Henry is all anxious and horny because recall that his last two wives were all sexy and pleasing to him, so he rides out to see this chick. His words, "I like her not" and called her a horse. Damn, Joss Stone (who played Anne of Cleves). You ain't THAT bad.
But the papers are signed and Henry, disgusted, has to marry Anne of Cleves. Well, Charles Brandon is all, "Hey, dawg, guess what, Cromwell lied, ain't nobody trying to get us!" and Henry is like, "I had to marry this ugly horse-hoe for no reason?! I'm the King!" and so, he is like, "Cromwell, I didn't have sex with that ugly hoe, I have standards, get this marriage annulled." And Cromwell promptly craps his pants because the reason he picked Cleves was because she was a Lutheran and he needed the support of the German folks to help strengthen the Reformation, which is sliding down that slippery slope faster than that slut Anne Boleyn (love!) trying to steal the thrown from Katherine of Aragon.
Guess what, Cromwell? Everyone hates you.
So the Privy Council turn against him and find "proof" that he is a treasonous, traitorous heretic and he is sentenced to death. Oh, but first, he has to write a letter stating that his marriage to Anne of Cleves is invalid due to a pre-contract she had to marry some other dude and to also cosign that Henry didn't have the sex with her. Because he ain't into sexing the animals. With that matter taken care of, dispatch a Lord over to Anne of Cleves, ask her if she is cool with calling herself the King's sister and staying in England forever. If she is down with it, give her some land and money. If she disputes, measure her neck. Lucky for her, she didn't dispute. And the King showed her favor.
In the meantime, the King's homies (including Charles Brandon) are like, listen, the King ain't had the sex is forever, we gots to make this happen and soon. So, Captain Hook is like, if I can't no NOTHING else, I can find some skanky bitches. And do. Enter Katherine Howard, to be later known as Wife #5. She is super young, like still a teen, blond, and slutty. Fit for a King!
Sidenote: Personally, I think the chick playing Katherine Howard is ugly as sin, her eyes are soooo far apart. I think she looks more horsey than Joss Stone, BUT, when I Google'd her I found that she and I share a birthday (she born many years after me, mind you), so she gets a leeeetle slack. But man. Neigh.
Hoe for the King? Check.
Cromwell fecked? Check.
Queen taken care of? Check.
But, man, Cromwell, we REALLY hate you, so we gots to do better than just kill you.
Hmm... I know!!!
Captain Hook loads up the executioner with all types of drugs and booze so he is pretty much incoherent when it comes time to chop off Cromwell's head. Now, normally, I turn away when they do the executions on The Tudors (even though all they usually show is blood spatter), but the way this dude had to drunkenly keep hacking at this dude was just ... something I couldn't turn from.
That mess was just so.. wrong.
I mean, DAMN.
And the crowd was all, "KILL HIM!" and "Shut UP!" and "Get it over with already!" when Cromwell was saying his final plea.
No one liked you, Cromwell. But your head rolling was not near as awesome as the Anne season. Eh...
If my memory serves me well, Horse-Head Howard will be losing her head next season. Is it Spring 2010 yet?
Saturday, May 23, 2009
What a Dick
Mr. Mc freakin' loves Kobe Bryant, but I cannot stand his azz. Some reporters asked him about the awesome amazing game-winning buzzer shot Lebron made last night and Kobe's bitchass response:
Bryant was incredulous when a reporter asked him if his performance on Saturday was a response to LeBron James, who snatched away the league's most valuable player award this season and needed just one second to make a game-winning three-pointer in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals on Friday. "Are you serious?" Bryant asked. "Honestly, I told him it was a helluva shot. Everybody tries to make it out like this big thing, but we're all friends. And he does what he does in Cleveland. I do what I do here. But it's good banter."
I wish I could find a video. Because written, it doesn't sound so bad. But, in reality, the way he said it was extremely ass-holey. Like, he was in disbelief that someone would have the audacity to bring up someone OTHER THAN HIM having a stellar performance.
Loser.
Laker Splitter - Upper.
Jerk.
He is a good basketball player, though. Ugh. I hate that he is such a dick because I am REALLY anti-Carmelo Anthony (boo-hiss!) and ONE of them will be going to the NBA finals and I don't know which one of them is the lesser of two evils?
I WILL say I love the puppet commercials with him and LeBron. Because LeBron is made of win. Except when he loses.
Bryant was incredulous when a reporter asked him if his performance on Saturday was a response to LeBron James, who snatched away the league's most valuable player award this season and needed just one second to make a game-winning three-pointer in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals on Friday. "Are you serious?" Bryant asked. "Honestly, I told him it was a helluva shot. Everybody tries to make it out like this big thing, but we're all friends. And he does what he does in Cleveland. I do what I do here. But it's good banter."
I wish I could find a video. Because written, it doesn't sound so bad. But, in reality, the way he said it was extremely ass-holey. Like, he was in disbelief that someone would have the audacity to bring up someone OTHER THAN HIM having a stellar performance.
Loser.
Laker Splitter - Upper.
Jerk.
He is a good basketball player, though. Ugh. I hate that he is such a dick because I am REALLY anti-Carmelo Anthony (boo-hiss!) and ONE of them will be going to the NBA finals and I don't know which one of them is the lesser of two evils?
I WILL say I love the puppet commercials with him and LeBron. Because LeBron is made of win. Except when he loses.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Mr. Mac Says God must be a Cavs Fan
I'm not really a B-Ball Fan, but Mr. Mac is and I have resigned myself to the fact (after spending my honeymoon watching the NBA finals last year and agreeing to the purchase of the NBA League Pass AND Season Tickets to the Atlanta Hawks) that we are an NBA family. Such is life.
Even I can admit however that THIS WAS INCREDIBLE. I got goosebumps. Wow.
Even I can admit however that THIS WAS INCREDIBLE. I got goosebumps. Wow.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Stop Snitching
Our neighbor to the North, the chick with the Honda Accord who CLAIMS she is a doctor, is a snitch. She reported Mr. Mac to the apartment complex for grilling less than 15 feet away from the building.
Now, granted, Mr. Mac and I know the rules, however, we feel that they are stupid and thus act out in a state of rebellion. As you do when rules are stupid. If we felt that we were endangering the lives of ourselves and others, we would not engage in the behavior, at least, I wouldn't because I have this thing about fires anyway especially since I started watching this season of The Tudors because they have burned a lot of people at the stake and it is so disturbing that I always have to switch the channel once they light the lumber at the bottom of the stake. I mean, can you imagine? Being tied to other folks and burning alive? What I find equally disconcerting is the fact that there are ALWAYS crowds of people there to witness whenever they carry out these death sentences. Yuck. What type of person can watch someone burn to death or someone's head getting chopped off? Gross.
ANYWAYS, the point is that fricking North , the "alleged" doctor told on us and the grill and Mr. Mac and I decided we are are too lazy to carry the barrel grill from the balcony, through the apartment and 15 feet away from the building THIS week, so our Memorial Weekend cookout is canceled.
Never fret though because we will retaliate. We are nothing if not passive aggressive. No matter how just or unjust that note was that the Grand left in our door last night. We have decided that we WILL grill again, 15 feet from the building, which is conveniently on the sidewalk that everyone will have to walk on to get to their apartment (we measured) on a weekend where this will only prove to be a pain in the ass to HER (like, when she has some guests for the weekend). We will clear this with our neighbor to the South (who also cannot stand her. Coincidentally, I can't stand the neighbor to the South, but Mr. Mac has an "understanding" with him and they get along just fine. I don't really have any issue with our neighbor to the North - the alleged doctor -- however, Mr. Mac does, and unlike him, who engages in conversation with the punk to the South, I know my loyalty lies with him so I am against the North as well).
When we do host this cookout, I intend to wear a Stop Snitching t-shirt and post up on the stairs.
This all started last year, when Mr. Mac grilled (I wasn't at home - probably was in Florence with my bitches - shout out to my bitches!!!!) and North came downstairs and was like, "My clothes are drying on the balcony and the smoke from your grill is seeping into my clothes" and Mr. Mac was all, "Whatever." Personally, I think if I was there, it could have gone 2 ways depending on Sybil's presence or absence.
Sybil present: You have a dryer connection.
Sybil absent: Girl, our bad, you want a piece of chicken?
I think if Mr. Mac had shared the food with her, North may have taken the situation better. But, noes. She also came down a couple Saturday mornings to complain to him about playing music too loudly. I wasn't there on any of those occasions then, either (at the gym). The first time Mr. Mac was like, oh, ok. The 2nd time, Mr. Mac wasn't playing any music and he was like, "I'm not playing any music!" and so she had to travel further South. And thus began her tumultuous relationship with THAT motha lover. Because he KNOWS that he plays Keith Sweat, R. Kelly and lately Michael Jackson (WTF?) at all hours so that he can seduce the harem of hoes he has coming in and out of his apartment.
Seriously, South? The Man in the Mirror is NOT a sexy CD.
I think North needs one or both of the following:
1. Some dick in her life.
2. A house.
Actually, I think all women need one or both of those.
Now, granted, Mr. Mac and I know the rules, however, we feel that they are stupid and thus act out in a state of rebellion. As you do when rules are stupid. If we felt that we were endangering the lives of ourselves and others, we would not engage in the behavior, at least, I wouldn't because I have this thing about fires anyway especially since I started watching this season of The Tudors because they have burned a lot of people at the stake and it is so disturbing that I always have to switch the channel once they light the lumber at the bottom of the stake. I mean, can you imagine? Being tied to other folks and burning alive? What I find equally disconcerting is the fact that there are ALWAYS crowds of people there to witness whenever they carry out these death sentences. Yuck. What type of person can watch someone burn to death or someone's head getting chopped off? Gross.
ANYWAYS, the point is that fricking North , the "alleged" doctor told on us and the grill and Mr. Mac and I decided we are are too lazy to carry the barrel grill from the balcony, through the apartment and 15 feet away from the building THIS week, so our Memorial Weekend cookout is canceled.
Never fret though because we will retaliate. We are nothing if not passive aggressive. No matter how just or unjust that note was that the Grand left in our door last night. We have decided that we WILL grill again, 15 feet from the building, which is conveniently on the sidewalk that everyone will have to walk on to get to their apartment (we measured) on a weekend where this will only prove to be a pain in the ass to HER (like, when she has some guests for the weekend). We will clear this with our neighbor to the South (who also cannot stand her. Coincidentally, I can't stand the neighbor to the South, but Mr. Mac has an "understanding" with him and they get along just fine. I don't really have any issue with our neighbor to the North - the alleged doctor -- however, Mr. Mac does, and unlike him, who engages in conversation with the punk to the South, I know my loyalty lies with him so I am against the North as well).
When we do host this cookout, I intend to wear a Stop Snitching t-shirt and post up on the stairs.
This all started last year, when Mr. Mac grilled (I wasn't at home - probably was in Florence with my bitches - shout out to my bitches!!!!) and North came downstairs and was like, "My clothes are drying on the balcony and the smoke from your grill is seeping into my clothes" and Mr. Mac was all, "Whatever." Personally, I think if I was there, it could have gone 2 ways depending on Sybil's presence or absence.
Sybil present: You have a dryer connection.
Sybil absent: Girl, our bad, you want a piece of chicken?
I think if Mr. Mac had shared the food with her, North may have taken the situation better. But, noes. She also came down a couple Saturday mornings to complain to him about playing music too loudly. I wasn't there on any of those occasions then, either (at the gym). The first time Mr. Mac was like, oh, ok. The 2nd time, Mr. Mac wasn't playing any music and he was like, "I'm not playing any music!" and so she had to travel further South. And thus began her tumultuous relationship with THAT motha lover. Because he KNOWS that he plays Keith Sweat, R. Kelly and lately Michael Jackson (WTF?) at all hours so that he can seduce the harem of hoes he has coming in and out of his apartment.
Seriously, South? The Man in the Mirror is NOT a sexy CD.
I think North needs one or both of the following:
1. Some dick in her life.
2. A house.
Actually, I think all women need one or both of those.
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