The Tudors finale aired tonight. Yeah, so, this season wasn't all that hot, which I expected it to not. You can't come back after Anne Boleyn.
Season 3 in summary:
King Henry married Jane Seymour, whom I suspect he really did love, knocked her up, had relations with some skank named Ursula, who was married (or something) and also having lots of illicit relations with some dude that was in Henry's court that wore an eye-patch all season and reminded me of Captain Hook.
Charles Brandon, THAT SEXXXY sonofabitch, is angsting because he is a good guy inside, but Cromwell, who is like, Henry's Lord Privy Seal (don't ask me what THAT means, other than HBIC, is all, "You got to kill all the people who revolted because they are treasonous traitors!" and Charles Brandon is all, "I don't want to kill the kids!" and Charles's wife is all, "I'm pregnant, you can't be killing other folks' babies!" and Charles is all, "I do what my King tells me to do!" And Charles's wife gets all angry and sees him as not the seXXXy beast that he is, but a murderer. And she loses the baby.
Queen Jane really is a nice chick and all pleasant, but really, who wants that? Anne, we need you! Haunt the castle! Jane gets Henry to bring his daughters back to court, and so we have back in the good clotheswear: The Princess Mary (formerly known as The Lady Mary, Bastard Child of Henry and his brother's wife Katherine of Aragon who was demoted from Queen to Dowager Princess of Wales when her marriage to Henry was declared null and void) and The Princess Elizabeth (formerly just that bastard born of that adulterous, treasonous, badass bitch Anne Boleyn while she was married to the King). Jane is sweet and good and kind and pure and blond. So, the bitch must die. History demands it. So, after giving birth to the King's precious male heir, she bites the dust, Princess Mary by her side. And Henry has a breakdown and locks himself in with his Fool. I totally thought it was a dream for the whole episode, but turned out, he really was locked in with his Fool.
It was muy weird, yo.
So, Jane is dead, Henry is crazy, and the French King and the Emperor are getting all buddy-buddy. So, Cromwell is ready to bitchslap Henry, "Wake up mutha luva! We gots a country to run!" because he sees that his whole Reformation is taking a nosedive to hell real quick. Because deep down, Henry was down for Catholicism. The ONLY reason he wanted to break from the church was because he had the hot crotch for Anne Boleyn (and who could blame him?) and the Pope was like, "You are already married, dawg, you can't marry your hoe, too, you ain't Brigham Young!" I know, wrong period, but you get my drift... Back to the subject. Cromwell is all, "Shit! What we gonna do? I'm taking all the treasures from the abbeys and persecuting the clergymen who aren't heretics on the downlow, but I am getting resistance, I need to find another bitch like Anne that is for the Reformation to get over here quick before all my hard work goes to hell."
So, everyone is all like, Henry is happiest when he has got some chick around with her legs open. We gots to find him a wife! Cause he needs another son in case something happens to the one Jane died having this morning. And so, the search is on for wife #4. We get a couple prospects, most notable, the one that appeared to be of Spanish descent that was like, "HELLLS NAW, I ain't marrying THAT mutha luva, didn't he banish his first wife, behead his second wife, and the third one died? No thank you, I like living the good life. But, thanks for stopping by. Don't let the door hit ya." Now, that's what I am talking about! I love smart bitches. She could kick it with my crew.
So, then Cromwell brings up these bitches in Cleves and scares the shit out of Henry by saying he has to marry one of the Cleves chicks because The French King and the Emperor are in cahoots and want to frick him up. The story had a bunch of holes and Charles Brandon was like, "Bullspit!" but decided that this was a good way for Cromwell to get screwed for being the selfish SOB that he is, so he was like, yeah, ok, I will play along with this.
So, ambassadors are sent to Cleves and no one is allowed to see ol' girl's face (um, red flag flying high, geniuses) and the painter is instructed (by Cromwell) to make her prettier than she looks, so Henry is like, "She aiiiight" and agrees to the marriage. Well, papers are signed and Henry is all anxious and horny because recall that his last two wives were all sexy and pleasing to him, so he rides out to see this chick. His words, "I like her not" and called her a horse. Damn, Joss Stone (who played Anne of Cleves). You ain't THAT bad.
But the papers are signed and Henry, disgusted, has to marry Anne of Cleves. Well, Charles Brandon is all, "Hey, dawg, guess what, Cromwell lied, ain't nobody trying to get us!" and Henry is like, "I had to marry this ugly horse-hoe for no reason?! I'm the King!" and so, he is like, "Cromwell, I didn't have sex with that ugly hoe, I have standards, get this marriage annulled." And Cromwell promptly craps his pants because the reason he picked Cleves was because she was a Lutheran and he needed the support of the German folks to help strengthen the Reformation, which is sliding down that slippery slope faster than that slut Anne Boleyn (love!) trying to steal the thrown from Katherine of Aragon.
Guess what, Cromwell? Everyone hates you.
So the Privy Council turn against him and find "proof" that he is a treasonous, traitorous heretic and he is sentenced to death. Oh, but first, he has to write a letter stating that his marriage to Anne of Cleves is invalid due to a pre-contract she had to marry some other dude and to also cosign that Henry didn't have the sex with her. Because he ain't into sexing the animals. With that matter taken care of, dispatch a Lord over to Anne of Cleves, ask her if she is cool with calling herself the King's sister and staying in England forever. If she is down with it, give her some land and money. If she disputes, measure her neck. Lucky for her, she didn't dispute. And the King showed her favor.
In the meantime, the King's homies (including Charles Brandon) are like, listen, the King ain't had the sex is forever, we gots to make this happen and soon. So, Captain Hook is like, if I can't no NOTHING else, I can find some skanky bitches. And do. Enter Katherine Howard, to be later known as Wife #5. She is super young, like still a teen, blond, and slutty. Fit for a King!
Sidenote: Personally, I think the chick playing Katherine Howard is ugly as sin, her eyes are soooo far apart. I think she looks more horsey than Joss Stone, BUT, when I Google'd her I found that she and I share a birthday (she born many years after me, mind you), so she gets a leeeetle slack. But man. Neigh.
Hoe for the King? Check.
Cromwell fecked? Check.
Queen taken care of? Check.
But, man, Cromwell, we REALLY hate you, so we gots to do better than just kill you.
Hmm... I know!!!
Captain Hook loads up the executioner with all types of drugs and booze so he is pretty much incoherent when it comes time to chop off Cromwell's head. Now, normally, I turn away when they do the executions on The Tudors (even though all they usually show is blood spatter), but the way this dude had to drunkenly keep hacking at this dude was just ... something I couldn't turn from.
That mess was just so.. wrong.
I mean, DAMN.
And the crowd was all, "KILL HIM!" and "Shut UP!" and "Get it over with already!" when Cromwell was saying his final plea.
No one liked you, Cromwell. But your head rolling was not near as awesome as the Anne season. Eh...
If my memory serves me well, Horse-Head Howard will be losing her head next season. Is it Spring 2010 yet?
